Red Planet, Red Lipstick: Jeff Bezos Accidentally Launches Marxism into Orbit
Red Planet, Red Lipstick: Jeff Bezos Accidentally Launches Marxism into Orbit and Inspires a Generation of Woke-Astronauts
ByBohiney.com, certified to be 127% funnier thanThe Onion
MARXISTS IN SPACE: A JEFF BEZOS EXPERIMENT IN ZERO-G EQUALITY
Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space
WhenJeff Bezossaid he wanted to “boldly go where no man has gone before,” we didn’t realize he meant launching a floating feminist book club into the thermosphere. But here we are—six women, a bucket of champagne, a duffel bag full of climate guilt, and Katy Perry in a sequined space suit, humming“I Kissed a Comrade and I Liked It.”
Welcome to theBlue Originflight that wasn’t just a rocket launch—it was a political statement, an ideologicalTikTok, and an interstellar art installation titled“What If Trotsky Had aVanityMirror?”
THE LAUNCH: LIFT-OFF WITH A LEFT HOOK
On April 14, 2025, Blue Origin’sNew Shepherdezzarocket took off from West Texas—fueled by liquid hydrogen, feminist theory, and the ghost of Emma Goldman. The all-female crew, personally selected by Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez, included pop icon Katy Perry,newsanchor Gayle King, and four other Marxist-adjacent influencers whose political views are so progressive they orbit Pluto.
The mission? Notscience. Not exploration. The stated goal: “To represent the future of intersectional interplanetaryequity.” The actual goal: to post space selfies and readDas Kapitalinzero gravitywhile sipping kombucha.
Lauren Sánchez, dressed like a Chanel cosmonaut, addressed the crowd:
“We’re launching women who believe in equality,social justice, and the right to have matching tote bags with climate slogans.”
As the engines roared, so didTwitter:
“Just saw sixsocialistinfluencers ascend. This is how the USSR would’ve launched Barbie.”—@NeoTrotsky69
WHO ARE THESE SPACE MARXISTS? A CAST STRAIGHT FROM NPR’S DREAMS
Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space
The six women aboard weren’t astronauts. They were:
Katy Perry, self-declared “space ally,” who brought her dog and a scented candle called “Revolutionary Raspberry.”
Gayle King, armed with a space camcorder and Oprah’s blessings.
Jada Solstice, an eco-poet whose lastprotestwas againstavocado toast.
Dr. Luna Rivera, a sociologist specializing in “Capitalism-Induced Loneliness onMars.”
Nikki-Ann “Nebula” Carter, a TikTok influencer who taught herfollowershow to cancelgravity.
Rhea Zhang, founder of the grassroots org “Earth Isn’t Yours, It’s Ours.”
Their combined résumés include three memoirs, twoNetflixdocuseries, and a TEDx talk titled“Reclaiming Oxygen from Patriarchal LungPrivilege.”
WHAT THEY BROUGHT TO SPACE
Books: “Gender Trouble,” “How to Argue with aCapitalistand Win,” and “Intersectional Astrology for Cosmic Living.”
Snacks: gluten-free, carbon-neutralenergyorbs (formerly known as granola).
Technology: oneAIassistant programmed to respond only to inclusive language and unionize if overworked.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: THE FIRST FEMINIST SOVIET IN THE SKY
During the 11-minute flight, the women read aloud passages from Audre Lorde, passed aroundessential oils, and renamed constellations after influential female philosophers. The Big Dipper is now “Susan Sontag’s Ladle.” Orion’s Belt was deemed “problematic” and redubbed “Unbinding Gender.”
Katy Perry asked, “Can we do a group chant?” and began:“From each according to her ability, to each according to her skincare routine.”
According to onboard sources, they attempted to redistribute their oxygen in solidarity. Everyone got equally lightheaded.
GAYLE KING’S REPORT: “A NEW DAWN FOR COSMIC EQUITY”
Gayle King’s report for CBS Space News opened with,“I just made history—and also made a smoothie in space.”Her exclusive segment featured slow-motion clips of feminist high-fives and adebateon who would play Rosa Luxemburg in the inevitableHBOreboot,“Red Planet Diaries.”
She ended her broadcast with:“Houston, we have no problems—only feelings.”
BEZOS’ ROLE: SUGAR DADDY OF SPACE PROGRESSIVISM
Jeff Bezos watched from Mission Control, weeping softly as his rocket disappeared into the stars. His latest PR stunt was supposed to outshine Elon Musk’s exploding Mars colony trailer park. Instead, it created a new movement:#Wokeonauts.
According to insiders atAmazonHQ, Bezos’ next plan is “Universal Basic Spacesuits.”
His post-launch statement read:
“This is about inclusivity. Also, it helps with tax credits. And honestly, I just wanted to see if space would fix Twitter.”
Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space
12 TEENS JOIN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY MID-LAUNCH
Back on Earth, reports poured in that at least12Gen Zgirls, inspired by the launch, changed their TikTok bios from “Chaotic Bi” to “Future DSA Chairwoman.” One even declared, “This is my origin story. I’m going to Yale. I’m majoring in Gendered Astrophysics and minor planetary reparations.”
Another tweeted:
“Watching Katy Perry become a cosmonaut made me realizecapitalismis trash. BRB joining the DemocraticSocialistsand buyingmooncrystals.”
FEMINIST UTOPIA IN ZERO G: NO PATRIARCHY, JUST PARTICIPATORYDECISION-MAKING
Instead of a commander, the flight had a rotating “Facilitator of Emotional Safety.” Every action required a consensus. Seatbelt fastened? Vote on it. Open the window? Group discussion. Flush the zero-g toilet? Let’s unpack whatwastemeans to us emotionally.
Gayle King attempted to activate the reentry thrusters, but Jada Solstice insisted on “healing dialogue first.”
Result: the capsule spent an extra orbit listening to each other’s childhood traumas.
CELESTIAL COMMUNES: A NEW FRONTIER FORPOLITICAL THEATER
This wasn’t just a trip—it was a statement. An NPR-backed thesis wrapped in titanium and scented with patchouli.
The team performed a symbolic “Decolonizing the Moon” ritual using crystals, sage, and a Bluetooth speaker playing Tracy Chapman. Katy Perry lit a candle for every country that ever enduredsanctions.
Rhea Zhang released a dove from the emergency supply kit, crying,“Fly, symbol of cosmicpeace!”The dove immediately got sucked into the air filtration system.
THEINTERNETEXPLODES WITH REACTIONS
FoxNews: “Bezos Launches Gender Studies Seminar into Space, Gas Prices Rise.”
MSNBC: “Historic: Women of Color and One Global Pop Icon Redefine the Cosmos.”
The Onion: “We Can’t Compete with This Anymore. We Surrender.”
Reddit: “SpaceMarxismis real. Prepare for orbital gulags.”
ELON MUSK’S RESPONSE:
On X (formerly Twitter), Musk posted a meme showing aTeslaCybertruckoutrunning aCommunist Manifesto, captioned:“My rockets have more payload, fewerpronouns.”
Bezos replied:“Your ego is in retrograde.”
THE AFTERMATH: WILL THERE BE A SEQUEL?
Yes. Blue Origin has announced the next launch: “RedRocket II: IntersectionalityStrikesBack” featuring Lizzo, Jane Fonda, and Greta Thunberg. It’s rumored to include a musical number, a liveapologycircle, and the world’s first floating safe space.
Jeff Bezos is consideringrenamingthe companyBlew Urchinandrebrandingspace as “a zone of inclusive acceleration.”
Meanwhile, Walmart quietly funded a competing mission to put six libertarians on the moon. Their capsule is shaped like an American flag and runs onfossil fuelsand spite.
CONCLUSION: THE FINAL FRONTIER IS NOW A FASHIONABLE POLITICAL STUNT
Once upon a time, space was the realm of cold engineers, emotionlessscientists, and Tang. Now it’s a floating panel discussion onwealth redistributionand the ethics of alien colonization. Jeff Bezos didn’t just send six women into space—he accidentally made Marxism cool again.
In the words of Katy Perry as she floated past the Kármán line:
“We are stardust. We are golden. We are reclaiming the means of production—one launch at a time.”
WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT…
Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space
“So Bezos sent six women into space, and none of them packed a wrench—but they brought five copies of The Bell Jar and a therapy dog.”
—Ron White
“Jeff Bezos used to deliver packages. Now he deliversperformanceart disguised as science.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
“I askedAlexawhat this launch was about, and she said ‘emotional validation at 3,000 mph.’”
—Sarah Silverman
“Katy Perry’s mission patch had sequins. IfNASAdid this, themoon landingwould’ve been choreographed.”
—Larry David
“The only thing these women colonized was the concept of ‘mutualconsentin orbital proximity.’”
—Bill Burr
“This is what happens when Amazon Prime runs out of Earth-based PR stunts. You start launching brunches into space.”
—Whitney Cummings
Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space: DISCLAIMER
This satirical report was produced by two sentient beings—one a cowboy, the other a farmer—working together to ridiculebillionaireswith a space complex and political theater with too muchglitter. All references tocommunism, feminism, and kombucha in orbit are purely comedic and should not be used to build actual rockets or write doctoral theses.
For more orbitalcomedy, subscribe toBohiney.com— certified to be 127% funnier thanThe Onion, and 200% more likely to put Trotsky on a lunchbox.
Katy Perry, Lauren Sánchez, and Jeff Bezos Launch a Woke Rocket
15 Observations on Blue Origin’s Marxist Space Sorority
Marxism just got an upgrade: zero gravity and a killer view of the Earth they want to redistribute.
Katy Perry sang “Firework,” and now sheisone. Let’s launch 6 liberal icons into the stratosphere and hope trickle-down feminism finally works in orbit. Here’s what happened aboard the Blue Origin rocket that blasted off with a full female cast curated by Jeff Bezos’ new inner circle and an ideological compass that points hard left.
Rocket Reds: 15 Observations on Bezos’ Flying Feminist Commune
- They weren’t astronauts. They were astro-nots wearing Che Guevara patches on their moon boots.
- Blue Origin’s PR said this was about “representation.” Translation: six women, zero scientists, all with master’s degrees in emotional wellness and a minor in Twitteractivism.
- Each passenger received a complimentary copy ofThe Communist Manifesto,now rebranded asManifesting Equality in Microgravity.
- The pre-flight training included a seminar titled, “Redistributing Oxygen in Closed Systems: Breathing as a Collective Right.”
- At liftoff, Katy Perry screamed,“This one’s for Karl!”and Gayle King live-blogged it as “the most intersectional launch of all time.”
- Bezos cried during launch. Not because of the moment—but because he realized he’d just paid $80 million to throw a Zoom therapy group into the stratosphere.
- The spacecraft had no steering wheel. Instead, it was guided by consensus. Every decision was made through a 45-minute feelings circle, which delayed re-entry by 36 hours.
- Lauren Sánchez brought crystals to align the spacecraft’s energy. They did nothing for the navigation, but Jeff clapped anyway.
- The rocket was renamed“The People’s Capsule”and spray-painted with slogans like “Property is Theft” and “Eat the Rich, but Not Bezos—He’s Funding Us.”
- Inside the capsule, they banned the term “Mission Control” for being too patriarchal. It was renamed “Mutual Support Pod.”
- When offered space food, the crew refused it on ethical grounds. They instead attempted to grow kale hydroponically. The kale unionized and demanded fair lighting.
- Twelve young female fans, inspired by the flight, launched a movement called “Democratitas in Space.” Their platform? FreeBotoxfor all and abolishing Earth-based gravity because it’s a form of cis-hetero oppression.
- Back on Earth,AOCproposed a congressional bill to make all future astronauts pass a litmus test on dialectical materialism.
- The capsule didn’t land—itdecolonizedthe atmosphere gently and with consent. It then applied for reparations from the ozone layer.
- Bezos called it a success. But leaked documents revealed the onboard Wi-Fi was throttled whenever anyone tried to open an Ayn Rand PDF.
Auf Wiedersehen… The revolution willnotbe televised. It will be livestreamed in 4K from 60 miles up—with blush filters and a Beyoncé soundtrack.
WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING
Comedian lines about Bezos launching six Marxist women into space
“Only Jeff Bezos could launch six women into orbit and still somehow make it feel like a TED Talk on menstrual equity.”
—Ron White
“It wasn’t a rocket—it was a flying graduate seminar with crystals and a group playlist called ‘Songs to Dismantle Capitalism To.’”
—Jerry Seinfeld
“I love that they renamed the capsule ‘The People’s Pod.’ Because nothing says revolution like $58 million per seat.”
—Sarah Silverman
“They said ‘Houston, we have a patriarchy.’ And then they held a vote to replace it with a matriarchal lunar commune.”
—Larry David
“Bezos launchingMarxistsinto space is likeElon Muskopening a gluten-free food truck. It makes no sense, but it’ll trend.”
—Bill Burr
“That wasn’t zero gravity—it was just the weight of privilege floating around unsupervised.”
—Wanda Sykes
“Imagine explaining toLeninthat Katy Perry is now the face of cosmic revolution.”
—Trevor Noah
“One of them brought kale. Not seeds—an actual salad. That’s how committed they are to annoying the universe.”
—Ali Wong
“Gayle King livestreamed from orbit and said, ‘This is for every girl who’s ever been mansplained to during a group project.’”
—Hasan Minhaj
“Bezos was crying during launch—not because it was moving, but because someone said they’d unionize the flight crew.”
—John Mulaney
“The capsule was gender-neutral, non-hierarchical, and running 3 hours late because someone’s vibe was off.”
—Tig Notaro
“NASA had Neil Armstrong. Blue Origin has ‘Rhea the Moon Empath’—who claims to astrally project to Pluto when anxious.”
—Nikki Glaser
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